The Vision

Here's the thing about might, I never really thought too much of the word until I had to have it.

In the weeks and months, who am I kidding, years that followed Joel's death I had to find my might, my strength to go on, to find joy again, to live.  It took a lot of courage and might to just get up every morning, to shower, to get dressed. the very basic things in life are so much more challenging. I wanted to be strong for my kids, for Joel, I want to make him proud and I was so scared I was going to screw it up. I needed to have strength to go on, I needed my might. 

I remember my sisters-in-law taking me to the mall to look for something to wear for the funeral. I looked at all the people walking around laughing, shopping, eating, just living life like nothing had happened. Didn't they know that life had stopped, something so horrible had just happened? Why were they laughing? We walked into Deseret Book and I sat down in the middle of the isle. I felt too tired to walk anymore or look for a book that will tell me all about grief. I didn't need a book to tell me what I was already feeling. As I was sitting there a song came over the speaker system. It caught my attention immediately. It was the song Joel was humming to me in my vision the previous morning.

The night before I saw Joel in a vision had been a rough night, very little sleeping for any of us.  My sister-in-law, Lindsey, had slept over that night, early that morning I woke up and rolled to my side. I didn't want to get up yet, or ever. I closed my eyes again and found myself standing at the bottom of my stairs, I looked up and saw Joel standing there next to Savannah's room. He was humming a song that I didn't recognize and holding Savannah's hand. He let go of her hand and walked down the stairs to meet me, he sat down and I knelt between his legs. His eyes were piercing blue and his skin had a glow to it. He was more magnificent than anything I had ever seen. We didn't say a word, but the love he poured out of him for me was beyond words. I felt like he had his arms tightly wrapped around me but he did not move. He was in my very soul. Then he was gone! "Wait, it's not been long enough!" I opened my eyes and yelled for Lindsey to grab me my journal, "I saw Joel Linz!" 

This vision is forever ingrained into my mind and heart. He looked so happy, so peaceful, so full of Christ-like love. There really aren't any earthly words to describe my emotions. 

I bought that CD at Deseret Book, the one with the song that Joel was humming to me in my vision. I took it home and searched every song on the CD until I found it. I just layed there and cried.  Oh, how I miss my friend, and what tender mercy was shown to me that morning!

Here is that song.

By Kathrine Nelson

- You Can Let Me Down-

Let me feel the scars on your heart so I can sing you to sleep, Let me touch the tears as you cry so I can hold you as you weep.

You don't have to keep it all inside I will keep your secrects like they're mine.

So you can fly, you can fall, you can even loose it all. I'm going to love you, you can let me down.

I need to be the place in this world you wanna run to always find peace. I love you when the hope is all gone, I love you strong and I love you weak. Whether you will triumph or break, you know I'll stand beside you either way. And everytime you need me, I love you more. Believe me, I'm here.

I know God lives, I know he loves me, I know he hears my prayers. I know he knows my trials and I know he knows my might.